Motherhood Risk Assessment

I thought I’d be a little more light-hearted this week and have taken it upon myself to do a risk assessment for mothers…It’s not pretty. I’ve listed some potential hazards and the possible actions that could be taken in response to the hazards. Enjoy!

Hazard: Tripping over alphabet blocks, stacking cups, Duplo, Lego, beads (delete as age appropriate).
Action taken: Don’t let the kids have toys. If this is too harsh be VERY CAREFUL. Keeping toys in a localised area can help but is tricky to maintain once child can move independently. When walking through a dark living room clutching wine after they are finally in bed do not scream and spill the wine when you stand on a toy.

 

Hazard: Getting covered in bodily fluid. This starts from day zero and in the case of vomit could continue into the teenage drinking years.
Action taken: This is unavoidable but always carrying towels, wet wipes and spare clothes when out in public minimises the damage but does make you resemble a packhorse.

 

Hazard: Being pinched, bitten, having hair pulled (particularly prevalent in the baby years).
Action taken: Attempting to teach the concept of ‘gentle’ to small child (usually stroking their cheek while speaking in a soft tone). Unfortunately this is very difficult in the early months and therefore quick reflexes may be required to prevent the worst injuries.
Red writing 'Caution!' sign written within red lines
Hazard: Not getting a full night’s sleep for a long, long time.
Action taken: Working out how to survive on less sleep is the only realistic solution.

 

Hazard: Not being able to wear your wardrobe full of beautiful clothes because they aren’t practical, aren’t suitable for breastfeeding or do not look good covered in snot and dribble.
Action taken: Utilising the mum uniform of stripey tops and jeggings.

 

Hazard: Going prematurely grey, getting bad smile lines and constantly looking tired.
Action taken: If vanity is important to you, a good hairdresser and some decent make up will work wonders. If not, take comfort in the fact that you look happy! Also, sunglasses are very handy for hiding smile lines and eye bags.

 

Hazard: (Similar to the above point) Your body changes beyond recognition.
Action taken: Attempt to embrace it. Producing tiny human is a huge achievement and inevitably your body will look and feel different.
TM and I sat outside a bar, I am wearing a blue black and white stripey dress, heart sunglasses and a black and white dotty bow in my hair. He is on my lap in short jeans and a patterned t shirt holding a teething toy and sensory book with a green hat on with blue stars. He's looking away from the camera, I am smiling at it.
Strategically cover the smile lines with sunglasses…
Hazard: Constant worrying and guilt
Action taken: Avoid social media, parenting manuals and television programmes aimed at improving your parenting skills. Never read anything about psychology. If your child is happy and healthy try to forget the rest and enjoy it.

 

Hazard: Never leaving the house on time.
Action taken: Attempt to be organised but take the precaution of warning people you’ll always be late from now on.

 

Hazard: Having no time for a social life or going to places/events you previously enjoyed regularly.
Action taken: Bribing family members (we find alcohol highly effective) to look after offspring so you can go for dinner/see a film/watch a band/insert hobby or interest here. Just don’t be surprised if you’re too tired to appreciate it and talk about your kids all night.

 

Hazard: A 3 bedroomed house suddenly becoming too small for 3 people as it is overrun with baby paraphernalia and toys.
Action taken: Buy ‘clever storage solutions’, attempt to throw some of your own shit away, eventually give up futile efforts and realise your house will never be pristine again. But it looks lived in which is a GOOD THING.
A cartoon of a messy bedroom with floor covered in toys, newspapers, computers, a desk with a drink knocked over, unmade bed, washing line with clothes hanging on it.
On balance, there are many risks that cannot be satisfactorily resolved. However, the benefits of becoming a parent are so great that it’s worth the risks!

 

What parenting hazards have I missed?!

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54 thoughts on “Motherhood Risk Assessment

  1. I had those sunglasses once!!! My friend laughed at me and said he wouldn’t be seen with me in public wearing them 😞 Wonder what he’d have made of the burger ones. Great list – did you ever have the Tomy Squeaky Eggs? They, my friend, they are the absolute worst thing to step up if upturned. Urgh. #chucklemums

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  2. Back in the days BC (before children) I would never be late! Now though? It’s a miracle if I even make it out of the house on the right day! Functioning on less than 6 hours sleep is such hard work! #chucklemums

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  3. Hazard: Nursery bugs.

    Action taken: Promise to eat healthfully to build up your immune system so you avoid catching the dreaded nursery lurgy. Eat Ben & Jerry’s and pretzels every night instead. Catch EVERYTHING. #chucklemums

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    1. Ahaha! Oh of course the baby group/nursery/school bugs that we will be subjected to until they are around …16 😂😂 I think Ben & Jerry’s and pretzels sound like the perfect way of treating the lurgy though. Thanks for reading! Ellen x

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    1. Ah yes, of course – I should have remembered that seeing as how my son has decided hot weather is the worst thing that’s ever happened to him. I need lots of extremely cold wine. Thanks for having me at #chucklemums! Ellen

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  4. You know what’s funny, I am so accustomed to not getting enough sleep that when I have more sleep I often feel really awful and tired all day! Haha great list! I only tripped straight over the baby bouncer whilst holding the baby, somehow I managed to do a Jackie Chan and land the baby in the bouncer and me on the sofa on the way down! I think I got serious mummy points that day!

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  5. Ah this is fab Ellen! SO MANY RISKS!!! I have one about being certified insane in public because with or without your child by the time they are two you will be singing out loud and constantly to yourself a) nursery rhymes b) theme tunes to CBeebies programmes c) the doopy doop tunes of ‘that’ noisy toy that needs its batteries losing…
    #ablogginggoodtime

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    1. Ahaha I was at my mum’s the other day and she was like ‘do you just sing everything now? Becoming a mother does that to you’ because I was singing my usual ‘let’s change your nappy’ ditty 😂 Thanks for reading darling! Ellen xx

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  6. Swinging back again for my second link to #stayclassymama, so commenting on your second link…! Gah, my three bedroom house is DEF not big enough for four of us, and we sacrificed our spare room so the girls can have a sodding playroom! Not like this in my day…. Love Moose xxx

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  7. Toddlers are a very risky business in all aspects as they seem pretty intent on self-destruction! Unfortunately there is no mitigation so just sign the disclaimer and hope for the best!! #chucklemums

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      1. Oh I bet that is joyous to watch, and not at all heart attack rendering 😂 My little guy is starting to try and climb things, even though he can’t walk yet he pulls himself up to standing then tries to scale chairs, boxes etc. It’s going to end in tears! Thanks for reading, Ellen

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  8. Haha this is brilliant. It’s probably a bit late for me to take away all the toys, isn’t it?! Shame about that as I have nearly fallen flat on my face tripping on Emma’s mouse speedy car thing 3 times this afternoon. Love this post and I am going to look into throwing more of my shit away asap as our house is slowly closing in! xx #stayclassymama

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  9. Yes, parenting is certainly full of risks! I daren’t do a teenage risk assessment, as the health and Safety officer may condemn my parenting! Thank you for sharing 🙂 Alison x #bigpinklink

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  10. I have so many stripey tops and leggings still to this day! I’m glad they’re a common place in the mum uniform wardrobe 🙂 There’s nothing more painful than stepping on lego. #BigPinkLink

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  11. Ahhh the changes those tiny humans bring! I really enjoyed your post. I have a guilt quota of things I decide are logical to feel bad about and things which are bordering on madness. To allow a new guilt in I have to bump and old one off.

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  12. Oh so many hazards! Stepping on toys is so ridiculously painful and my mummy uniform is stretchy midi dresses with leggings. I wear my hair down about thrice annually and the rest of the time its in a messy bun – and not in the cool, sexy, supermodel way – the birds nest way. Like you say though, the risks are definitely worth it 🙂 #fartglitter

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    1. Oh a midi dress sounds like a big step up from what I usually wear!! Although I’m still restricted by needing to be able to breastfeed at the moment and most dresses which allow for that are expensive! Ah yes I’m very familiar with the birds nest style ‘mum bun’. Thanks for reading, Ellen

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  13. Teehee brilliant! Imagine the amount of wet floor signs and warning stickers we’d need around the house if we had to have an actual risk assessment to have children! 😀 Thanks for joining us at the #bigpinklink

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  14. All so true – it’s a risky profession! Perhaps the safest thing is to put on a crash helmet & mother from the safety of one’s bed? Probably wishful thinking!

    Thanks so much for linking up with #FridayFrolics. Hope to see you next time!

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  15. Haha- love the mummy guilt one. I’ve gotten quite good and not clicking through to read bad parenting memos on the Daily Hate but every now and again a click bait title sucks me it…and then I don’t sleep all night.

    #fartglitter

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